I was reading through my old journals in preparation for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, November, annually. This is my first year. Check it out at nanowrimo.org) and I came across a very insightful entry about how to seek happiness when depressed. I don't remember being very depressed when I was 15, but what teenager doesn't have their downs?
So I'm going to enter it exactly as written originally on 1/2/04.
"Perhaps there is no guaranteed way to achieve happiness. The state of serenity is a result of a balance of the forces of nature. Some of these forces, we may manipulate with our actions and more significantly, with the way in which we look at things--the ultimate choice between optimism and pessimism. But the other forces--the obstinate, determined ones--keep themselves out of our grasp. They perpetually sway to and fro like a pendulum, sometimes disrupting the flow of energy in our lives and leaving us to mope, wallow, regret, and dread. At other times, they show us favor, temporarily casting a brilliant warmth over our entire consciousness, and either all seems right in the world, we can absorb life's hard hits and see through to the things that are right in the world, or we simply cease to fret about the wrongs we cannot fix.
Even as I say that each situation remains with us "temporarily," there is no clear definition to match this word. A period may be temporary so long as it does not last forever--a task that would be mighty difficult to accomplish, you can imagine. So even with the knowledge that a slum of depression will not last forever, there's no telling when the change will come that can classify it as "temporary." It may become more and more difficult to keep hope alive as one seeks alternative methods of propelling oneself into the lighthearted glee of yesteryear only to find that one is groping in the dark, slippery depths of the ocean, and must keep swimming towards the top until a boat comes by to lift one out of one's misery.
That boat cannot be signaled. It will come on its own. Those who drown must only be able to reach their arms out of the water, and they will be secured by a friendly, unseen hand, and pulled aboard to be dried in the breeze.
I have been trying to record the motivation with the power to sustain--or even create--happiness. I now see that because of those willful natural forces, the key that will unlock the door to inner peace is patience."
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1 comment:
this is truly beautiful. i'm very impressed with your 15 year old writing self.
personally, i like to use a deep forest metaphor. life is a forest, etc, channel dante, etc. as you walk through it, you are bound to encounter some really dark, twisty, oppressive patches where you cannot see where you are going, keep tripping over tree stumps, and the trees seem to be closing in on you as you stumble. you do not know for how long you will walk this path. but you keep walking. one day, the trees will pull back and you will see cheery aspens instead of dead bark.
i was severely depressed winter-spring quarter last year. i don't want to say that one day during the summer i woke up and everything was better, but it kind of was.
the best, most important and valuable thing you can do right now is to just survive. wake up day after day. don't expect too much.
be kind to yourself.
ksenia
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